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Free Agency

Rajon Rondo (Kings): Hey, hey, hey.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Uhhh, Rondo?

Rajon Rondo (Kings): Yeah?

Stephen Curry (Warriors): The team next to your name… It says the Kings for some reason.

Damian Lillard (Blazers): Wtf?

Rajon Rondo (Kings): Oh, that’s odd.

Rajon Rondo (Kings): Maybe it’s because I’m ON THE KINGS?

Stephen Curry (Warriors): What?! You play for Houston I thought! Or San Antonio… One of those Texas teams.

Rajon Rondo (Kings): Umm, I USED to play for the DALLAS Mavericks. I just signed with Sacramento though.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): I thought you said you played on the Kings!

Rajon Rondo (Kings): Yes! The SACRAMENTO Kings!

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Can’t tell if you’re talking about the Sacramento Suns or the Phoenix Kings?

Rajon Rondo (Kings): *facepalm*


Kyrie Irving (Cavaliers): Umm, Curry?  Do you know ANYTHING about other teams?

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Pfffffft! Of course! The great Stephen Curry knows everything!

Kyrie Irving (Cavaliers): Then name just TWO players on the Cavaliers!

Stephen Curry (Warriors): LeBron.

Kyrie Irving (Cavaliers): And?

Stephen Curry (Warriors): James.

Kyrie Irving (Cavaliers): Funny. One more.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Ummmm…

Kyrie Irving (Cavaliers): Seriously? The team you played against in the Finals?

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Yeah, yeah, I know. But you know, there’s just no other relevant players on the Cavs!

Kyrie Irving (Cavaliers): I hate you.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): LOL.


Chris Paul (Clippers): So Rondo, why Sacramento?

Rajon Rondo (Kings): Well, I actually really wanted to sign with the Lakers. But someone messed it up.

Goran Dragic (Heat): Hehehehe!

Rajon Rondo (Kings): So then the Knicks offered me a really good contract, but I wouldn’t be able to stand having a rookie point guard on my team.

Jerian Grant (Knicks): Seriously?

D’Angelo Russell (Lakers): Wait but wouldn’t that rule out the Lakers as w-

Rajon Rondo (Kings): ANYWAYS…

Rajon Rondo (Kings): I was considering staying with the Mavericks, but decided against it. You know, I never even ruled out a return to Boston until the last second, and the Kings kind of came out of nowhere. Let me explain everything:

Deron Williams (Mavericks): OK, CUT THE BULL.

Rajon Rondo (Kings): ?

Deron Williams (Mavericks): Let’s talk about the REAL important point guard on the move here!

Rajon Rondo (Kings): Is it me?

John Wall (Wizards): I thought Monta Ellis was a shooting guard…

Kyle Lowry (Raptors): Yeah and didn’t Dragic stay in Miami?

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Guys, guys. I know EXACTLY what Williams is talking about. The important point guard on the move went to the Mavericks!

Deron Williams (Mavericks): Thank you!

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Yup. When Steve Nash left the Phoenix Suns in 2004, he went to the Dallas Mavericks!

Deron Williams (Mavericks): Screw you guys.


Rajon Rondo (Kings): Wait, Curry? Were you just messing with me the whole time about your ridiculous lack of knowledge of other teams?

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Depends. Did I win both the MVP and the title this year?

Rajon Rondo (Kings): Well… yes.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Oh. Well there’s your answer then.


Reggie Jackson (Pistons): Well, unlike these two nit-wits (Rondo and Williams), there were some of us who actually stayed with our own teams this offseason!

Brandon Knight (Suns): Yeah! Go us! #loyalty

Goran Dragic (Heat): Yees. Velly good to stay viss your team.

Eric Bledsoe (Suns): Yeah, Dragic! Maybe it would’ve been a good idea to stay with your team instead of force-trading your way out of Phoenix!

Brandon Knight (Suns): Yeah! You go, Bledsoe! #suns

Goran Dragic (Heat): And maybe eet vud have been a good idea to check your All-NBA selec-shuns before you… uhh… talk zee smack!

Chris Paul (Clippers): Ouch. Burned by the “#sun” there?

Goran Dragic (Heat): No. Burned by zee #heat.

Eric Bledsoe (Suns): Still hate your stupid accent, Dragic.

Goran Dragic (Heat): Steel hate your stupid team, Bleedso.


Stephen Curry (Warriors): Ugh, I hate this part of my job.

John Wall (Wizards): What part?

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Westbrook, add Exum to the chat.

Russell Westbrook (Thunder): *adds Dante Exum to the chat*

Dante Exum (Jazz): Wha… What is this?

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Exum!

Dante Exum (Jazz): Holy smokes! Are you Stephen Curry?!

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Of course I am. Now listen up. I need to chew you out.

Dante Exum (Jazz):  Sir, I really don’t have time for this. You see, I’m just undergoing surgery on my ACL as we spe-

Stephen Curry (Warriors): THAT’S EXACTLY WHY I NEED TO CHEW YOU OUT!

Dante Exum (Jazz): What?

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Ugh, you don’t get it.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): See, before you got injured, you and Trey Burke were fighting for the starting point guard role in Utah.

Dante Exum (Jazz): Yeah, so?

Stephen Curry (Warriors): SO, since there was no clear-cut starter, we didn’t HAVE to add another point guard to the chat.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): But now since you got injured, Burke is the clear starter, and now we need to add him to the chat, and I hate adding more people to the chat!

Dante Exum (Jazz): I’m so sorry sir; I didn’t mean to get injured, obviously. I don’t know what to tell y-

Stephen Curry (Warriors): WESTBROOK!

Russell Westbrook (Thunder): *removes Dante Exum from the chat*


Russell Westbrook (Thunder): Now, Steph?

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Ugh, do we HAVE to?

Russell Westbrook (Thunder): I didn’t write the rules.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): You’re right. I wrote them. Damn it.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Fiiiiine, just do it already.

Russell Westbrook (Thunder): *adds Trey Burke to the chat*

Trey Burke (Jazz): Wha…What is this?

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Shut up.

Trey Burke (Jazz): Holy smokes! Are you Stephen Curry?!

Stephen Curry (Warriors): I SAID SHUT UP!


Russell Westbrook (Thunder): One down, one to go.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Kill me now.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): WILLIAMS!

Deron Williams (Mavericks): What?

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Why?

Deron Williams (Mavericks): Huh?

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Just why?

Deron Williams (Mavericks): I’m not sure I understand…

Stephen Curry (Warriors): WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO DAMN AWFUL?!

Deron Williams (Mavericks): But I’m not!

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Ugh, you don’t get it.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): See, because you’re awful, the giant contract you had with the Nets was considered an overpayment, and because of that, they bought you out, and because of that, you’re no longer on the Nets, and because of that, there’s a new starting point guard in Brooklyn, and because of that, we have to add someone else to the chat, and I HATE ADDING NEW PEOPLE TO THE CHAT!

Deron Williams (Mavericks): Oh. I… I see.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): And it’s all you’re damn fault because you’re awful!

Deron Williams (Mavericks): But I’m not awf-

Stephen Curry (Warriors): SHUT UP!


Stephen Curry (Warriors): Alright Westbrook, go ahead.

Russell Westbrook (Thunder): *adds Jarrett Jack to the chat*

Jarrett Jack (Nets): Wha… What is this?

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Russ, please do the honors.

Russell Westbrook (Thunder): SHUT UP, JARRETT!

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Thank you.


Chris Paul (Clippers): So ummm, I guess that wraps this up?

Kyle Lowry (Raptors): Yup, good chat you guys.

Damian Lillard (Blazers): *breathes sigh of relief*

Emmanuel Mudiay (Nuggets): WAIT!

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Ugh, what do you want, Rook?

Emmanuel Mudiay (Nuggets): WE FORGOT ONE VERY IMPORTANT THING!

Damian Lillard (Blazers): *laughs nervously* Hehe, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, right guys? *laughs nervously* Great chat, yay it’s over, bye everyone!

John Wall (Wizards): Uhh, Lillard? Why are you writing “ *laughs nervously* ” on an online chat?!

Emmanuel Mudiay (Nuggets): We forgot to make fun of Lillard for losing like, his entire team in free agency!

Chris Paul (Clippers): Holy smokes you guys, he’s right!

Damian Lillard (Blazers): *laughs nervously* Whaaaaat? I don’t know what he’s talking about! *laughs nervously*

John Wall (Wizards): You’re still writing it, idiot.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): HAHAHAHA! Lillard lost all of his other starters in free agency! LOLOL.

Jeff Teague (Hawks): Ha! You lost Wesley Matthews to the Mavericks!

Deron Williams (Mavericks):   :)

Derrick Rose (Bulls): Yeah! And Nicolas Batum to the Hornets!

Kemba Walker (Hornets):   :)

Mike Conley (Grizzlies): Yup! And Robin Lopez to the Knicks!

Jerian Grant (Knicks):   :)

Chris Paul (Clippers): HAHA, suck it, Lillard! You also lost LaMarcus Aldridge to the… to the…

Tony Parker (Spurs): To the what?

Chris Paul (Clippers): Kill me now.

Tony Parker (Spurs):   :)


Damian Lillard (Blazers): It’s not all bad you guys! We replaced our old starters with younger guys! We’ll be great again soon!

Ty Lawson (Rockets): Lillard, that’s like chopping down an entire forest and replacing it with seeds and saying that they’re “younger” and “it’ll be great again soon”!

Tony Wroten (76ers): Wait, you're NOT supposed to do that?

Jrue Holiday (Pelicans): LOL.

Damian Lillard (Blazers): Screw you guys.


Emmanuel Mudiay (Nuggets): So?

Derrick Rose (Bulls): Ugh, what do you want now, Rook?

Emmanuel Mudiay (Nuggets): I mean, do I get any credit at all?

Mike Conley (Grizzlies): For what?

Emmanuel Mudiay (Nuggets): For remembering to make fun of Lillard!

Jeff Teague (Hawks): What?

Kyrie Irving (Cavaliers): That wasn’t you, Rook…

John Wall (Wizards): Umm, Mudiay? Are you okay?

Emmanuel Mudiay (Nuggets): Are you serious? Read up! It was ME who remembered!

Kyle Lowry (Raptors): I thought Alzheimer’s happens to old people, not young ones…

Emmanuel Mudiay (Nuggets): Ugh, just forget it.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Still hate rookies!

Trey Burke (Jazz): You still hate everyone.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): I SAID SHUT UP!

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