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Establishing personalities, part 1

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Okay people, listen up. I need to go on a rant real quick.

Chris Paul (Clippers): You know, here I am, at my beach house in the Bahamas, just relaxing during the offseason with my beautiful wife and children, and all I’m thinking is: ‘Damn, you know what I really need? That would really make my day? Steph going on another one of his stupid rants. I just LOVE how annoying those are.’

Stephen Curry (Warriors): And I just LOVE how cool my MVP trophy and my ring look. Now shut up.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Our chats are getting boring. They need some new… flavor.

John Wall (Wizards): Oh God.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): We need to all get new personalities.

Chris Paul (Clippers): So let’s say we DID all get new… personalities.

Chris Paul (Clippers): What would yours be?

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Duh! I’d be the king of all point guards that wins all the MVPs and championships. Like how I won both an MVP AND a championship this year.

Chris Paul (Clippers): Okay, you’re definitely the bragger.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): I prefer to call myself the explainer.

Ricky Rubio (Timberwolves): The explainer? Of what?

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Of who won the most recent MVP and championship.

 

Chris Paul (Clippers): Okay, so if Curry is the one who brags about everything because of his MVP and ring, then what am I?

Tony Parker (Spurs): The one who can’t brag about anything because of his zero MVPs and rings?

Chris Paul (Clippers): SO HELP ME, PARKER, I WILL TEAR OFF YOUR NOSE AND STAPLE IT BACK UPSIDE-DOWN, SO THAT WHEN IT RAINS, YOU’LL DROWN!

Isaiah Thomas (Celtics): Wow, getting a little violent there.

D’Angelo Russell (Lakers): Yeah, seriously. There are like, little kids reading this chat.

Isaiah Thomas (Celtics): Yeah. Like D’Angelo.

D’Angelo Russell (Lakers): SO HELP ME, THOMAS, I WILL STICK A POLE STRAIGHT THROUGH YOUR HEAD!

Isaiah Thomas (Celtics): Getting a little violent there?

 

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Shut up, Dumb and Dumber.

Isaiah Thomas (Celtics): He’s dumber!

D’Angelo Russell (Lakers): Says someone as dumb as you!

Stephen Curry (Warriors): SHUT UP! We’ve got some personalities to establish here.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Chris, you’re definitely the rager.

Chris Paul (Clippers): Aaagh! I hate that as a personality! I’m NOT a rager! It doesn’t even make sense! Urgh! Damn you, Curry. Damn you, Parker. Aaaaaagh!

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Ok then…



Stephen Curry (Warriors): Parker, I think it’s pretty clear that you’re the troll.

Tony Parker (Spurs): The troll? How am I supposed to be that?

Stephen Curry (Warriors): I don’t know. You’ve been pretty good at it lately. You’re the only one here with a Finals MVP award. Why don’t you use that?

Tony Parker (Spurs): Because you just did.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): PARKER, I WILL CROSS YOUR ANKLES UP SO BAD THAT YOU’LL BE LIKE FORREST GUMP WITH THOSE WOODEN LEGS!

 

Damian Lillard (Blazers): Alright, so it seems pretty safe to say that Isaiah Thomas and D’Angelo Russell, because they play for the Celtics and Lakers (respectively) are the rivals.

Goran Dragic (Heat): Vut ees go-eeng on?

Damian Lillard (Blazers): Dragic is the European accent, I assume?

Goran Dragic (Heat): Eet make me sound vellyy smawt.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Lillard, before I say this, I just want to clarify that I hold absolutely zero respect for you as a human being.

Damian Lillard (Blazers): Somehow, I can’t even take that personally, coming from you.

Stephen Curry (Warriors): But you are correct about those personalities. About all three.

 

Elfrid Payton (Magic): You know what I’M correct about?

Chris Paul (Clippers): Nothing?

Elfrid Payton (Magic): This haircut!
Picture
Reggie Jackson (Pistons): Eww. That black piece of poop is almost as big as my fat new paycheck.

Reggie Jackson (Pistons):  ...Almost.

John Wall (Wizards): Screw you, reggie! You’re getting paid as much as I am now! How the heck is that possible?!

Reggie Jackson (Pistons): Because I’m just as good as you?

John Wall (Wizards): LOL.Next thing you’ll tell me is that D-League basketball is just as good as NBA basketball.

 

Damian Lillard (Blazers): Okay, so Payton is the guy with the weird/big haircut.

Elfrid Payton (Magic): Hey!

Damian Lillard (Blazers): Jackson is the overpaid one.

Reggie Jackson (Pistons): Hey! You’ll make me cry and use my $100 bill tissues.

Damian Lillard (Blazers): And Wall is the guy who complains about not getting paid enough.

John Wall (Wizards): We’re struggling to get by! I only use $50 bills as tissues now!

 

Jarrett Jack (Nets): Well if Payton is the one with BIG hair, then what am I?

Damian Lillard (Blazers): The one with no hair that everyone makes jokes relating to?

Jarrett Jack (Nets): Wouldn’t I just be the bald one?

Damian Lillard (Blazers): Nope. Mine got bolded. Yours didn’t. HAHA!

Jarrett Jack (Nets): That’s not fair! Your personality idea for me doesn’t even make sense! How could someone make a joke relating to my baldness?

John Wall (Wizards): You have as much hair as you have skill?

 

Trey Burke (Jazz): Or as much as Rubio has a jump-shot.

Ricky Rubio (Timberwolves): You’re one to talk, Burke. You’re trash.

Trey Burke (Jazz): Actually, I’m the best player to have ever existed, I’ll have you know.

Ricky Rubio (Timberwolves): Yeah, I’m sure (sarcasm).

Stephen Curry (Warriors): LOL, Burke thinks he’s the greatest player ever? Burke, you’re the cocky one.

Ricky Rubio (Timberwolves): Ha!

Stephen Curry (Warriors): And you, Rubio, you’re the one with no jump-shot.

Trey Burke (Jazz): Ha!

 

Monta Ellis (Pacers): Okay, I got mine. I know what I want to be.

Michael Carter-Williams (Bucks): The ball-hog?

Monta Ellis (Pacers):: No, I think I should be the really cool guy that ev-

Monta Ellis (Pacers): WHAT?!

Monta Ellis (Pacers): Why did yours get bolded?!

Michael Carter-Williams (Bucks): Hmmph. Guess it did.

Monta Ellis (Pacers): That’s stupid! I am not a ball-hog!

Chris Paul (Clippers): Ok, Ellis. If you’re not a ball-hog, then get this question right:

Chris Paul (Clippers): Can the power of an assist go a long way?

Monta Ellis (Pacers): Of course, the power of a jump-shot can go a very long way!

Chris Paul (Clippers): No, no, no. Can the power of an assist go a long way?

Monta Ellis (Pacers): Ohhhhh, haha. I thought you said “jump-shot.” My bad.

Monta Ellis (Pacers): Yes, the power of shooting while double-teamed can go a long way.

Chris Paul (Clippers): I said ASSIST!

Monta Ellis (Pacers): What?

Chris Paul (Clippers): A-SSI-ST!

Monta Ellis (Pacers): JU-MP-SHOT?

Chris Paul (Clippers): No! ASSIST, damnit!

Monta Ellis (Pacers): What does that even mean?

Chris Paul (Clippers): *facepalm*

 

Jerian Grant (Knicks): Okay guys, just lay it on me.

Jerian Grant (Knicks): I know that I’m going to get some crappy personality because I’m a rookie, like how the Knicks suck, or that I’m in Melo’s shadow, or..

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Hey wait, that’s a good one!

Jerian Grant (Knicks): What?

Stephen Curry (Warriors): Hmmm… I like the overshadowing part, but maybe not by Carmelo…

 

Horace Grant: Hi, nephew.

Emmanuel Mudiay (Nuggets): Why, it’s 4-time NBA Champion, Horace Grant!

Stephen Curry (Warriors): The explainer.

Emmanuel Mudiay (Nuggets): He’s saying that that’s my personality now.

John Wall (Wizards): Oh, the irony.

 

Jerian Grant (Knicks): Uncle?! What’re you doing here?

Horace Grant: I’ve decided to help everyone out with choosing your personality for this chat, Jerian.

Jerian Grant (Knicks): Ummm… ok. So what is it?

Horace Grant: Well, I have 4 championships. You have none.

Jerian Grant (Knicks): That’s because I haven’t even played a game yet in the NBA!

Horace Grant: True, but remember how you were talking about being in someone’s shadow?

Jerian Grant (Knicks): No. That will not be my personality. No, no, no, no, no. NOOOOOOOO…

Isaiah Thomas (Celtics): Ha! Jerian is the one who will always be in his uncle’s shadow.

 

Jerian Grant (Knicks): You know, what? Fine. I’m going to live up to those expectations. I’m going to kill it in the pros! Starting from my rookie of the year, and get those rings just like my uncle!

Michael Carter-Williams (Bucks): Yeah, but a great rookie season doesn’t always guarantee a great career.

Tony Parker (Spurs): You would know, the-guy-who-had-a-great-rookie-season-but-sucks-now.

Michael Carter-Williams (Bucks): PARKER, I AM GOING TO SHOOT YOU!

Tony Parker (Spurs): That’s okay, you’ll probably miss. Your shot is as good as Ricky Rubio’s JUMP-shot.

Ricky Rubio (Timberwolves): YOU BETTER LOCK YOUR WINDOWS TONIGHT, PARKER!

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